Wednesday, November 25, 2009

I am enough

During the menopausal journey, all kinds of old ghosts have come back to haunt me.

Unfinished dreams from adolescence (so you think you can dance/act/sing?). Unfinished loves: remember that boy in Grade 11 who idolized you? maybe you thought he was too immature, even if he was cute. You took him for granted at the time. Maybe he really saw you. Maybe you feel like you want to be really seen that way again.

I found all kinds of circles coming back at me in my forties. In my last year of high school, I was in a dance/mime play of Inuit legends called the Land before Time. It was one of the highlights of my creative life to be chosen for that play, to have rehearsals in the National Arts Center and a tour of high schools in the Ottawa area for 2 weeks (off school, too).

Later, I hooked up with one of the women who was in the play with me, who now lives in Montreal and we became good friends again. One of my unfinished dreams was to be involved with theatre once more, and Jo and I began a project to put a long poem series of my friend Carolyn Souaid, Sedna, on stage (which just happened to be based on an Inuit legend). We hired two actresses and began rehearsals, and during that time, Jo gave me the director of the Student Young Company, Dennis Hayes' email address. He sent me the text of Land Before Time, which absolutely blew my mind, to come full circle with that piece. Our production of Sedna played one night only for the Circus of Words, a night of poetry in performance. But it brought me a lot of satisfaction to be involved with 'theatre people' again.

I also had the chance to clear up some ancient longings and meet with former love interests, to close the door on the 'what if' scenarios my mind was cooking up. There was a lot of unfinished business that came to a head in my forties.

Now, I've just turned 55, and recently received a birthday card from a close friend that said, Jenn, you are so serene, you've changed since I've known you. Is this what post-menopause looks like? I had to laugh, and gave her a big hug of thanks. Yes, this is how it feels, once the rollercoaster of emotions has calmed down, the night sweats are over, and sleep is your friend again.

So this post is about closing the circle, and probably new ones begininng. It is the end of something, for me. One cycle has finished. Another one begins.

I am at peace with myself. I am surrounded by wondferful women friends. I am still married to my best friend. And I feel finally ready to send my work out to the world, to share what I am learning along the way.

blessed be,


Raven said...

I agree. There's a softness creeping into your face. A smile. A relaxing. Hurray! You desserve a break. Why hurry toward the end...why not amble and dawdle and enjoy the journey? It'll come soon enough.

clare said...

Jenn, this is all so helpful because i am probably just beginning all the changes, Nothing has changed,
yet i can feel the changes coming if that makes sense.
My moods, definitely the introspection. It helps hearing and seeing a navigation to get me there.
Your words are so reassuring, I just feel the changes will be coming. The full circle of life sure has.... so I guess that is my first one. I am listening. Thanks for your clear, calm, loving words.

jenn said...

glad it is helpful Clare. See the sidebar labels under perimenopause for some info on beginnings, and on the power of the cycle. Need to get to know your cycle, now that's it's slowing down, coming to the end, even if it's 10 years from now.


blogflux list of blogs about menopause

Directory of Women Blogs