Finding Sanctuary and Serenity in Mid-Life

Here in this room I have created a sancturary and this is what I want - nothing on my list of goals to achieve, nothing on my to do list or to to buy list. Just blessed peace, for a moment, in which to find a still point, a place to let go of thinking, and always running the show.

I have built this sanctuary, this house on the edge of the lake, to have somewhere to dream in, to find whatever it is I need. I do not feel the urge to leave anymore, that mid-life restlessness has been removed. I do not feel the urge to flee myself or keep busy constantly. I even begin to feel joy in the kitchen, in the center of the house, in receiving guests to celebrate the new year with us.

Up until now, what I enjoyed doing most was uncovering new information then disseminating it. Making the unknown known (which was whispered to me during a Soul Purpose exercise at the Writer's Spa in Taos in 2006).

I find healing in Bija's chants, in soothing yoga classes, in lying down on my bedroom rug to do yoga stretches, a vibration that rocks the soul. No need for talking, just being breathed.

There seems no end to war and vengeance in the outside world, but here in my sancturary, I have glimpses of surrender, of letting go and letting fate take its course.

I no longer know what I want to do. What does a know it all do when she no longer knows, I ask myself. Breathe, relax, iron and do laundry. Buy groceries and prepare my class for next week, prepare a mini-retreat for myself on this snowy day. Reconnect with myself through my journal, find my inner self and record it here.

High on the list of pleasure filling activities are music and singing.
I feel strong when I get good feedback about my singing. I feel strong when I help other people feel better about themselves. I feel strong when I am quiet and alone listening to soothing music. I feel strong when I do yoga. I feel strong when I am not rushed and can go at my own pace.

I feel the urge to surrender the direction of my life to an inner current, my heart wants to lead the dance, and my mind is terrible at following the heart's lead. I put my heart's foot first, trust in the unknown. I have strengths in intuition, to guide me if I trust it.

I know what I know. Information comes to me from within.
Follow up on that insight, impulse.

Shut down the internet/computer/emails and reliance on outside information, more often.
Rely more on the whispered truths, subtle influence of the god/ess within, higher power, creative team, guidance from within, pilot light turned on.

In stormy times, seek the center.

Keep the foundation strong by nourishing self-love, water the root. Find the eye of the storm in 'I'ness.

The fear I have that sometimes prevents me from hanging out in this peaceful place is that I will turn into mush if I do nothing, if I explore with curiosity this place of acceptance and waiting for an impulse from within.

This morning I felt so tired of moving from someone else's impulse, energy and always responding as if I have to, as if I am a puppet whose strings are pulled by someone else. I felt resistance to moving this way anymore. I feel how passive I have been, how disconnected from my own passion.

I am at a crossroads, here in the heart and hearth of my new home. I don't want to go out. I don't want to rely on outside sources to fill me with information and inspiration, all the while hungry for my own truth.

Where does my candle get lit from, which fire? It's a new feeling, to feel blank, without direction, with no moral code or order to guide me. and to be ok with it. This is a new acceptance, to stop before heading out in the snowfilled blizzard without compass or direction.

In my mind I am in a snowblind place. But the heart feels the sun's pull, its direction and asks me to be patient. Trust that I have everything I need. Don't let self-doubt sabotage me as I experiment with not knowing how it will all turn out.

Written January 13, 2009.

I am enough

During the menopausal journey, all kinds of old ghosts have come back to haunt me.

Unfinished dreams from adolescence (so you think you can dance/act/sing?). Unfinished loves: remember that boy in Grade 11 who idolized you? maybe you thought he was too immature, even if he was cute. You took him for granted at the time. Maybe he really saw you. Maybe you feel like you want to be really seen that way again.

I found all kinds of circles coming back at me in my forties. In my last year of high school, I was in a dance/mime play of Inuit legends called the Land before Time. It was one of the highlights of my creative life to be chosen for that play, to have rehearsals in the National Arts Center and a tour of high schools in the Ottawa area for 2 weeks (off school, too).

Later, I hooked up with one of the women who was in the play with me, who now lives in Montreal and we became good friends again. One of my unfinished dreams was to be involved with theatre once more, and Jo and I began a project to put a long poem series of my friend Carolyn Souaid, Sedna, on stage (which just happened to be based on an Inuit legend). We hired two actresses and began rehearsals, and during that time, Jo gave me the director of the Student Young Company, Dennis Hayes' email address. He sent me the text of Land Before Time, which absolutely blew my mind, to come full circle with that piece. Our production of Sedna played one night only for the Circus of Words, a night of poetry in performance. But it brought me a lot of satisfaction to be involved with 'theatre people' again.

I also had the chance to clear up some ancient longings and meet with former love interests, to close the door on the 'what if' scenarios my mind was cooking up. There was a lot of unfinished business that came to a head in my forties.

Now, I've just turned 55, and recently received a birthday card from a close friend that said, Jenn, you are so serene, you've changed since I've known you. Is this what post-menopause looks like? I had to laugh, and gave her a big hug of thanks. Yes, this is how it feels, once the rollercoaster of emotions has calmed down, the night sweats are over, and sleep is your friend again.

So this post is about closing the circle, and probably new ones begininng. It is the end of something, for me. One cycle has finished. Another one begins.

I am at peace with myself. I am surrounded by wondferful women friends. I am still married to my best friend. And I feel finally ready to send my work out to the world, to share what I am learning along the way.

blessed be,
Jenn/musemother

Is this Menopause?

I don't know how many times I've heard that question - usually followed by a list of symptoms, physical or emotional, that make a woman wonder if, gee, at 42, I could be possibly experiencing menopause, at such a young age.

Often a trip to the doctor only confuses a woman, who has perhaps never missed a period yet, but is still wondering if the sleepless nights, or increased anxiety, or changes in her vaginal health, or lack of desire for sex, all these vague and indirect symptoms, could possibly be part of The Change. A doctor told my 42 year old friend during a pelvic examination that her uterus and vagina were young and healthy and she could still have more kids! (she already has 3, two teens and a seven year old, thank you very much!). You can't be in menopause, the doctor's say, you're too young!

But perimenopause can begin 10 years before you officially end menstruating. Some women begin in their late 30's! And at the very least, you should be aware that changes will be happening in your cycle in your early 40's - ovulation will be less regular, not 14 days after your last menstruation necessarily - my GP told me to be careful with contraception when I turned 40, because I could not count on my fertility period to be right in the middle of the cycle, it might begin the day after menstruating.

The other vague symptom that hits a lot of women in their 40's (way before they are thinking about menopause) is a desire to leave, to get away, to have more time alone to figure out where they are, who they are and what they want to do. You may call this a mid-life crisis, but it's not often a crisis - it's more likely an underlying angst, a questioning, the beginning of a quest for a self separate from all other relationships - mother, daughter, sibling, wife....

The need for a sabbatical from motherhood or marriage is never considered by most of us. We think the well of love and nurturing energy should be endless. It feels selfish to want to get away. To want to be alone. To fantasize a white room with no outside stimulation in which we could just be still, be quiet enough to hear our own voice.

And what would that voice tell us? That still, small voice so hard to hear in this busy, fast-paced world? It might shock us to think about leaving everything - but you may do as I did - and leave temporarily on retreat, then come back. Leave as often as you need to, and return. It doesn't have to be a year-long sabbatical. Maybe you just need an extended leave from being chief cook, bottlewasher and bread-winner (not to mention caring for aging parents, and in-laws).

So, yes, it could be menopause - or the beginnings of a 10-year long prep period - that is calling. It may be a call for self-care. It may be a wake-up call to prevent burn-out. It may be your body saying, whispering, cooing to you (or yelling): time for me, time for me to pay attention within, time for me to slow down and listen.

"When a woman stops doing she must learn how to simply be. Being is not a luxury; it is a discipline. The heroine must listen carefully to her true inner voice. That means silencing the other voices anxious to tell her what to do." The Heroine's Journey

Find that quiet space to do the questing in.

It is not a luxury. It is time.

take care
musemother

10 SIGNS YOU ARE IN OVER 50 TRANSITION

10 signs that you are in your over 50 transition

1. You can’t shake the idea that you’ve just passed a milestone birthday.
2. Your present career plan has reached a plateau and you are questioning the value of your work.
3. You are excessively irritated by new rules and regulations at work, and find such things as commuting in traffic intolerable.
4. Things that previously motivated you at work (having power or being competitive) no longer seem so important to you.
5. You want to read a book for pleasure and not think of it as an action project.
6. You focus on things you aren’t doing in life, and long for a better work/life balance.
7. You want to spend your time doing something that has meaning and purpose.
8. You feel an urgent need to explore your creative side, reconnect with long-lost friends and family, and focus on having a healthy lifestyle.
9. You want to overcome self-limiting foibles and finally discard the demons that have held you back.
10. You no longer want to postpone acting upon your dreams.

Adapted from Smart Women Don’t Retire - They Break Free: From Working Full-Time to Living Full-Time by THE TRANSITION NETWORK and Gail Rentsch.

found at http://www.notjustthekitchen.com/health-beauty/10-signs-that-you-are-in-your-over-50-transition/