Here in this room I have created a sancturary and this is what I want - nothing on my list of goals to achieve, nothing on my to do list or to to buy list. Just blessed peace, for a moment, in which to find a still point, a place to let go of thinking, and always running the show.
I have built this sanctuary, this house on the edge of the lake, to have somewhere to dream in, to find whatever it is I need. I do not feel the urge to leave anymore, that mid-life restlessness has been removed. I do not feel the urge to flee myself or keep busy constantly. I even begin to feel joy in the kitchen, in the center of the house, in receiving guests to celebrate the new year with us.
Up until now, what I enjoyed doing most was uncovering new information then disseminating it. Making the unknown known (which was whispered to me during a Soul Purpose exercise at the Writer's Spa in Taos in 2006).
I find healing in Bija's chants, in soothing yoga classes, in lying down on my bedroom rug to do yoga stretches, a vibration that rocks the soul. No need for talking, just being breathed.
There seems no end to war and vengeance in the outside world, but here in my sancturary, I have glimpses of surrender, of letting go and letting fate take its course.
I no longer know what I want to do. What does a know it all do when she no longer knows, I ask myself. Breathe, relax, iron and do laundry. Buy groceries and prepare my class for next week, prepare a mini-retreat for myself on this snowy day. Reconnect with myself through my journal, find my inner self and record it here.
High on the list of pleasure filling activities are music and singing.
I feel strong when I get good feedback about my singing. I feel strong when I help other people feel better about themselves. I feel strong when I am quiet and alone listening to soothing music. I feel strong when I do yoga. I feel strong when I am not rushed and can go at my own pace.
I feel the urge to surrender the direction of my life to an inner current, my heart wants to lead the dance, and my mind is terrible at following the heart's lead. I put my heart's foot first, trust in the unknown. I have strengths in intuition, to guide me if I trust it.
I know what I know. Information comes to me from within.
Follow up on that insight, impulse.
Shut down the internet/computer/emails and reliance on outside information, more often.
Rely more on the whispered truths, subtle influence of the god/ess within, higher power, creative team, guidance from within, pilot light turned on.
In stormy times, seek the center.
Keep the foundation strong by nourishing self-love, water the root. Find the eye of the storm in 'I'ness.
The fear I have that sometimes prevents me from hanging out in this peaceful place is that I will turn into mush if I do nothing, if I explore with curiosity this place of acceptance and waiting for an impulse from within.
This morning I felt so tired of moving from someone else's impulse, energy and always responding as if I have to, as if I am a puppet whose strings are pulled by someone else. I felt resistance to moving this way anymore. I feel how passive I have been, how disconnected from my own passion.
I am at a crossroads, here in the heart and hearth of my new home. I don't want to go out. I don't want to rely on outside sources to fill me with information and inspiration, all the while hungry for my own truth.
Where does my candle get lit from, which fire? It's a new feeling, to feel blank, without direction, with no moral code or order to guide me. and to be ok with it. This is a new acceptance, to stop before heading out in the snowfilled blizzard without compass or direction.
In my mind I am in a snowblind place. But the heart feels the sun's pull, its direction and asks me to be patient. Trust that I have everything I need. Don't let self-doubt sabotage me as I experiment with not knowing how it will all turn out.
Written January 13, 2009.
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