I am enough

During the menopausal journey, all kinds of old ghosts have come back to haunt me.

Unfinished dreams from adolescence (so you think you can dance/act/sing?). Unfinished loves: remember that boy in Grade 11 who idolized you? maybe you thought he was too immature, even if he was cute. You took him for granted at the time. Maybe he really saw you. Maybe you feel like you want to be really seen that way again.

I found all kinds of circles coming back at me in my forties. In my last year of high school, I was in a dance/mime play of Inuit legends called the Land before Time. It was one of the highlights of my creative life to be chosen for that play, to have rehearsals in the National Arts Center and a tour of high schools in the Ottawa area for 2 weeks (off school, too).

Later, I hooked up with one of the women who was in the play with me, who now lives in Montreal and we became good friends again. One of my unfinished dreams was to be involved with theatre once more, and Jo and I began a project to put a long poem series of my friend Carolyn Souaid, Sedna, on stage (which just happened to be based on an Inuit legend). We hired two actresses and began rehearsals, and during that time, Jo gave me the director of the Student Young Company, Dennis Hayes' email address. He sent me the text of Land Before Time, which absolutely blew my mind, to come full circle with that piece. Our production of Sedna played one night only for the Circus of Words, a night of poetry in performance. But it brought me a lot of satisfaction to be involved with 'theatre people' again.

I also had the chance to clear up some ancient longings and meet with former love interests, to close the door on the 'what if' scenarios my mind was cooking up. There was a lot of unfinished business that came to a head in my forties.

Now, I've just turned 55, and recently received a birthday card from a close friend that said, Jenn, you are so serene, you've changed since I've known you. Is this what post-menopause looks like? I had to laugh, and gave her a big hug of thanks. Yes, this is how it feels, once the rollercoaster of emotions has calmed down, the night sweats are over, and sleep is your friend again.

So this post is about closing the circle, and probably new ones begininng. It is the end of something, for me. One cycle has finished. Another one begins.

I am at peace with myself. I am surrounded by wondferful women friends. I am still married to my best friend. And I feel finally ready to send my work out to the world, to share what I am learning along the way.

blessed be,
Jenn/musemother

The way of the conscious feminine

(excerpt from A Woman's Way, the tao of turning fifty by Jennifer Boire)

"It is difficult in life to find the Feminine Realm. The drawing of the water, the gathering of the grains no longer are performed under an open sky. ...The sense of her task as consecrated and necessary to the cosmos is gone. And I fear for women yet to come. For under the pressures of modern life, time has become compressed. The feminine sense of time has all but disappeared.

Yet woman cannot exist with only a linear awareness of time, for her sense of sacred Kairos time is the precious essence of life. There must be time enough for her to experience the sacredness within each moment and within herself...."
I sit listening to the wind (Judith Duerk, author of Circle of Stones)

According to Duerk, we have modeled ourselves on the masculine way, but the heroic task and journey of the masculine cannot provide what a woman needs to complete the journey of the conscious and developed feminine...we need a Feminine way.

"When a woman uses her energy only to reinforce what is outside of herself, she becomes cut off from her depths. Her own feelings and life values become inaccessible to her. She molds herself to external standards and loses touch with her individuality. She is cut off from all that is uniquely her own that could nourish her and those around her, cut off from the creative new answers so badly needed in the world today.… And her depths become enraged!

The whole wellspring of womanly creativity within her is furious for not being tapped."
from I Sit Listening to the Wind

Have you experienced this battle inside? A part of you that judges yourself harshly, strives to compete, be prepared, be on time, get things done, and runs steamroller over your own feelings or tiredness, your need for quiet time? Makes you feel guilty for needing down-time, playtime or rest? A force that keeps you primed to perform even at the expense of your own health.

Reading Duerk’s book, I felt a tear trickle down my cheek; yes, my body was saying, you have been tricked into this harsh attitude of performance and perfectionism, and you whip yourself harder because you have no faith in your own feelings or emotions, the heart side.

Focused on doing instead of being, the body resists, and by way of a message, my neck acts up. Freezes, cramps and gets so sore, that I have to quit working and rest....Ah, rest. I allow myself 30 minutes to lie on the lounge chair outside, in the last few sunny days of summer. I put down the book I am reviewing, and let myself nap. Get back in touch with my fatigue, my body's wisdom, and dream my own thoughts.....a woman dreaming the conscious feminine way.

I invite you to find a short space for yourself to rest in today, even if for a brief 5-10 minutes of closing your eyes at your desk, resting your eyes in the palms of your hands. Or a short walk at lunchtime out in the sun. Don't try and do it all without rest. Your children, your co-workers and friends, your parents and students will all benefit from a rested, calm, replenished and present, you.

nameste,
musemother